I recently posted in defense of trends. By the force of some Americanism or novelty-dependence, I want to like them all. But I can’t find room in my heart for some of the straight-up jokes being promoted lately. Maybe they work on the runway, but do you know what also works on the runway? Giant headdresses, 10-inch heels, and literal garbage.
I’ll try anything once. Just not these things:
1. HAREM PANTS
MC Hammer reincarnate, Juicy Couture, $78 (shopbop.com)
No surprise that Juicy, the original purveyors of trendy terrycloth track pants (another metaphorically bloody sacrifice to the gods of lazy dressing), is peddling these drop-crotch mistakes. The above pair is actually as good as it gets–a redemptive lack of safari patterns and cinched at the knees to show some leg– but they aren’t even flattering on this almost certainly tall and skinny model properly pairing it with heels. You could wear a diaper under these and nobody would know. That’s a problem.
Shorts, See by Chloe (shopbop.com)
Bloomer shorts are great for spring if you want to try a little volume and simultaneously make it visually evident that you’re not a hermaphrodite. This adorable pair is printed with bows, shows off your stems and waist, and is understandably sold out. But don’t fret: the silhouette is getting pretty ubiquitous.
Another alternative for comfort-mongers is boyfriend jeans, a fad that’s still going strong and looks pretty decent on some girls with a fitted top and heels. Personally, I find myself unattractive in them. This might be the result of thrifting a pair actually designed for dudes instead of wisely cheating with made-for-women styles. I’ll just stick to drainpipes but call them “boyfriend jeans” because my boyfriend sometimes wears his pants as tight as mine 😉
2. FANNY PACKS
As in the awkward storage pouch that’s belted around the waist, not the above hip-hop girl group of the same name. Next time you’re sleepwalking, accidentally buy their album (overstock.com, $9.98) for songs like “Boom Boom,” “Cameltoe,” and the enigmatic “Things.” Anyway:
Fanny pack by Fendi, $369.99 (overstock.com)
Can you believe this is sold out??? I’d advise the easily swayed to at least buy a cheaper, non-designer one at Walmart or something for the same campy appeal priced at $5-10. However, it seems this item has been so successfully erradicated by the public until now that not even the most firmly stuck-in-the-80s small towners will buy them. It’s one of the few accessories marketed exclusively to ironic hipsters/Gucci enthusiasts who are hard-pressed to find something they don’t already own 3 of.
A purse, like a normal person. Also, people would take you no less seriously in a tool belt.
3. SHOULDER PADS
I like 80s power dressing in theory. In hopes that this symbol of feminism could be both powerful and pretty, I was open to the idea of what is now euphemistically being called the “strong shoulder.” But then I found myself in a dressing room with it. Then I felt so glad to be alone in that dressing room.
Aside from the original purpose of helping women to man up for the board room (outside the office, though, I contend that women wield plenty of power in a miniskirt). The argument is that broadening your shoulders will make your hips look smaller. This is like trying to gain weight to make a big nose look smaller. Also, the inverted triangle shape is definitively male.
Buy a vintage jacket or top that’s authentically 80s, and simply cut the shoulder pads out (most are attached somewhat loosely by the corners and won’t necessitate re-doing the seams). You’ll be left with a cut that highlights your shoulders without causing you to be mistaken for a football player.
STUFF I’M ACTUALLY DOWN WITH:
1. Overalls: A natural extension from rompers. Do it right and they’re cute. Promise.
2.Gladiator sandals: One of those things that I had an immediate aversion to when they exploded a few years ago (Jenny Lewis agrees, so there!), but have just gotten so used to seeing them that I’ve started to want a pair.
3. Denim leggings: Although legging rules still apply, don’t you think?
But really: Who’s to say what’s wrong and what’s right?