Weirdest Shoes $30 Can Buy

I was browsing ShoeBuy.com, and now my eyes aren’t the same.


andre526619_155529_jb1

L & C flower slides, $33.95

Make it stop.

samyo329330_180517_jb

Dambino Himalayan cat slippers, $29.95

The cat head turns 360 degrees.

pleas266240_146524_jb

Funtasma Crystal heels, $30.95

Is that a butterfly on the toe?! I wish these really were invisible. I don’t know what’s better: the brand name Funtasma or this customer review:

Reviewer: Mary from Near Boston, MA

“Actually, I bought this pair because I wanted to paint it purple, with a red heel (well, one of the 2!) to make a hat, if you can imagine. It will sit atop a rattan red disc, about 12” in diameter, decorated on the vamp with a red feather clip. The shoe will be surrounded by red and purple novelties; the “hat” will have crushed purple ribbon glued under it and a bit on top as well. Most elegant! And, oh yes, I’ll be glue-gunning a wide plastic headband underneath, so as to secure it to my head. So glad you had this product!
Wears this shoe: Will never be worn as a shoe, only as part of a hat; see comment above”

andre618772_155516_jb

L & C Runner boot, $32.95

Perfect moon boots! Assuming the environmental crisis leads us to use the moon as a place to bury garbage.

penth453542_185747_jb

Bettie Page booties, $25.45

No, you won’t look like Bettie Page in these. You will, however, look like a candy cane pirate witch.

I leave you with this hilarity:

pleas242367_136374_jb

Pleaser boots, $127.95

Okay, so they’re considerably more than $30. SHOE-PANTS don’t come for free. There is probably also a fine for wearing them.

I Can’t Bear these Leggings

The question is not whether or not they are pants, for once. The question is “How did this happen?” And “Am I in immediate danger?”

QooQoo Anonymous Cool Bear Leggings,$65

Polyester tie-dyed leggings happen. That’s all I wanted to say.

… Oh yeah, and I almost forgot there are BEARS on the KNEES with their eyes inexplicably CENSORED.

Who would wear these?

Apparently Kat Von D, according this creepy fan site.

Best not to take fashion cues from a woman with tattoos on her face, as I always say.

Your legs are better off…bare.

Ottoman. And I Don’t Mean the Empire.

I’m in the process of furnishing and decorating an apartment. In reality, this means dusting off the unapologetically 60s kitchenware my grandmother used to own and searching Goodwill with my roommate for the least ghetto furniture therein. Still, I couldn’t help but do a little Windows shopping at the Urban Outfitters website. They had some nice decor for the type of student who doesn’t need to be bussed into campus on Cap Metro. Here’s something that made me feel something so different from jealousy that I had to share:

Pom Pom Ottoman, $128

….hahahaha. I’m not convinced that anyone needs an ottoman. But if you do, you certainly don’t need to pay $128 for it. Most of all, it should not involve pom poms. And the fabric itself is disgusting.

So stop acting like a cat didn’t throw this up, Urban Outfitters.

However, I’ll say that I’m tempted to buy one of these cute doormats at $18 a-peach.

“Home Sweet Apartment” doormat

“Keys, Phone, Wallet” reminder rug.

The Only Thing More Iffy than a Sweatsuit

…is a sweatsuit covered in fringe. Are you serious, D&G? I put my trust in your silky floral dresses.

D&G khaki fringe sweatshirt and sweatpants (originally$380 and $250), available at an Ideeli online sample sale.

It looks like something Pocahontas would wear if John Smith left her and she got all depressed and refused to put on real clothes.

No wonder the outfit is being sold for about 20 percent of that price on members-only shopping website Ideeli. Join Ideeli here if you promise me you won’t purchase this atrocity. Instead, you can check out the sort-of-attainable wonders of McQ and other heavily discounted designer collections.

Please wear sweatpants and fringe responsibly (or at least separately).

WTF is Lady Gaga Wearing: A Sociological Approach

Pop stars have mysteriously stopped trying to look hot and started dressing absurdly.  They seem to have a goal of weirding out the public and – more importanty- out-weirding each other.  Women have been winning the spotlight with daring fashion since before spotlights were invented. But is it just me, or have styles been more extreme the past few years? Is it a good thing or a bad thing? And then there’s the petty question that usually comes up: Did Lady Gaga start all this?

It’s getting boring to talk about Gaga’s exciting costumes. It says more about her image to point out that the most scandalous picture the paparazzi could hope to snap of the pseudo-wacko celebrity is one of her wearing jeans and a t-shirt. She holds the title for strangest ensembles, but more and more of the music videos you’ll see on MTV feature singers in outfits that make Cher’s chaps and sparkly jumpsuits look like casual wear. Madonna made waves with her iconic cone bra, but it didn’t shoot out flames (Gaga) or whipped cream (Katy Perry).

When you pair a few disgusting pieces together, the effect is actually…really disgusting. Sorry La Roux! I still loved “Bulletproof.”

La Roux tops off all her outfits-on-acid with a signature swoop of hair that defies gravity. Katy Perry just looks like Zo0ey Deschanel but with boobs popping out of children’s clothes. Rihanna stoops to copying M.I.A. whenever she needs to look edgier. Swedish pop star Robyn sees it fit to dress up like a bumble bee or an astronaut.

Why is it confusing?

The music doesn’t match the image. Their songs are still as painfully mainstream as possible. The truly unique ladies in music are just sitting back and laughing at the spectacle.

(pic from Media Alive) Perry’s dress lights up and is covered in pink ruffles. At least there are no giant fruit props or noxious hair clips.

Why isn’t this effecting men?

Women in the limelight have always had more emphasis put on their appearance than men. They’ve worn less and less clothing over the decades. But naked doesn’t cut it anymore. Entertainment, at least in the U. S. of A., has expended most of its shock tactics. Now there’s nowhere to go but up. There’s nowhere to go but weird.

(pic from somekindofawesome.com)

Why aren’t actresses and models doing it?

These are competitive times in the music industry. Perhaps that explains why this phenomenon has had little effect on actresses and models, who are most valuable when they’re blank slates. Only like 5 percent of women have the right age, height, weight, complexion, and nubile alien beauty to cut it as high fashion models. However, most people can sing. Everyone can get a MySpace and YouTube account. Listeners are bombarded with unlimited access to all the  music they want, so musicians have to stand out. Pop princesses are battling to keep your attention in their crazy get-ups.

Stupid or progressive?

This trend looks forced and artificial at best (if I come upon another quote from Gaga insisting her character is “just who she is,” I may have to vomit and subsequently give up reading), sad and depraved at worst. But it’s INTERESTING. It compensates somewhat for the candy-coated candy they produce.

As a girl who enjoys high fashion as a visual art form, I think it’s nice to see anyone wearing Thierry Mugler (he designed a whole tour’s wardrobe for Beyonce) or Alexander McQueen (responsible for Gaga’s 10-inch “armadillo” heels) out of the fashion show context.

It’s good that divas are now commonly choosing their clothes not simply to arouse men, but to spark conversation. Until someone designs a bra that dispenses quality songwriting, it will have to do.

Olsen Twins’ Worst Idea Since Annorexia

I’ll admit that I’m generally fond of Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen. As a kid I watched all their straight-to-VHS movies about saving the wild west and meeting cute boys in Hawaii, which helps me now when I’m doing those things in real life. But I must say: Their latest clothing line, Olsenboye, is even worse than their acting.

I was more than just disappointed by the affordable collection
(available at JCPenny) — I was confused. These girls know fashion, and they know merchandising. Fame made the Olsens into total moguls before they could even get driver’s licenses. They raked in so much with lifestyle brands that movies probably became an unnecessary annoyance.

As young adults, they’re celebrities who don’t really do anything but get snapped by paparazzi, looking chic and too small for their sunglasses and venti Starbucks cups. They became style icons and single-handedly (er, double-handedly?) ushered in the Great Boho Craze of the year 2000-and-whatever with their penchant for undone  hair and oversized everything. They’re always stylish, so it’s a good thing they’ve stayed relevant by designing clothes instead of spewing out needless pop albums or becoming irritating spokes models for diseases no one has forgotten about.

The Row is free of prints and full of cool silhouettes:

Hunting Dress in Black, $550. Check out the artsy website.

Elizabeth and James is a line with similar designer prices, but more personality:

“Cheyenne” Horseshoe Print Silk Shirt, $265 at Bloomingdale’s.

I don’t know how the same ladies would even nod at the sketches of what was to become Olsenboye. The spring/summer collection looks like Victoria’s Secret Pink apparel sewn by blind children. Most items are covered in peace signs and adhere to an obnoxious palette of neon pink and yellow or uselessly see-through white.

They’ve gotten used to producing thousand-dollar schoolboy blazers, but is this really all they could do at the $24-50 price point?

They’ll end up with even less of a return, because it’s not flying off the shelves. All the following prices are sale prices.

Figure-Destroying Plaid Dress, $24.99

You wouldn’t think something as simple as a tablecloth could make your boobs disappear AND add 6 inches to your thigh area.

Burnout Vest, $17.99

I tried this on in the ever-popular burnout fabric and a striped pattern. However, the “shark bite” cut looked awkward. Sizing was strange, and buttons had already fallen off some of them. Once unbuttoned, it looks like a wholly useless scrap of fabric hanging off your body.  Pass.

Slouchy Hobo Bag, $19.99

Lame shape, ugly sweatshirt fabric, and a flower tacked on. The “slouchy hobo”  (their naming, not mine) is a good description.

Boyfriend shorts, $17.99

In another example of honest advertising, we can clearly see that these shorts would look gross on anyone.

Just when I was about to identify the main problem with Olsenboye as a complete lack of imagination and risk-taking, I saw this:

Jumper Top, $17.99

WTF? I’d rather just wear the stupid fake-vintage sports tee underneath.

So here’s the real problem: they’re marketing to tweens, basically, but tweens are too obsessed with High School Musical or Twilight or whatever to care who the Olsens are. The only girls who’d give a damn are in their 20s and simply admire them for their sense of high fashion.

So, if you’re near a JCPenny, check out Charlotte Ronson’s line instead. It’s called I Heart Ronson and was not designed by a child star.

I Heart Ronson Pocket Tank, $12.99

Trends that Need to Stop-it-Guys-it’s-Not-Funny-Anymore

I recently posted in defense of trends. By the force of some Americanism or novelty-dependence, I want to like them all. But I can’t find room in my heart for some of the straight-up jokes being promoted lately. Maybe they work on the runway, but do you know what also works on the runway? Giant headdresses, 10-inch heels, and literal garbage.

I’ll try anything once. Just not these things:

1. HAREM PANTS

MC Hammer reincarnate, Juicy Couture, $78 (shopbop.com)

No surprise that Juicy, the original purveyors of trendy terrycloth track pants (another metaphorically bloody sacrifice to the gods of lazy dressing), is peddling these drop-crotch mistakes. The above pair is actually as good as it gets–a redemptive lack of safari patterns and cinched at the knees to show some leg– but they aren’t even flattering on this almost certainly tall and skinny model properly pairing it with heels. You could wear a diaper under these and nobody would know. That’s a problem.

BETTER OPTION:

Shorts, See by Chloe (shopbop.com)

Bloomer shorts are great for spring if you want to try a little volume and simultaneously make it visually evident that you’re not a hermaphrodite. This adorable pair is printed with bows, shows off your stems and waist, and is understandably sold out. But don’t fret: the silhouette is getting pretty ubiquitous.

Another alternative for comfort-mongers is boyfriend jeans, a fad that’s still going strong and looks pretty decent on some girls with a fitted top and heels. Personally, I find myself unattractive in them. This might be the result of thrifting a pair actually designed for dudes instead of wisely cheating with made-for-women styles. I’ll just stick to drainpipes but call them “boyfriend jeans” because my boyfriend sometimes wears his pants as tight as mine 😉

2. FANNY PACKS

As in the awkward storage pouch that’s belted around the waist, not the above hip-hop girl group of the same name. Next time you’re sleepwalking, accidentally buy their album (overstock.com, $9.98) for songs like “Boom Boom,” “Cameltoe,” and the enigmatic “Things.”  Anyway:

Fanny pack by Fendi, $369.99 (overstock.com)

Can you believe this is sold out??? I’d advise the easily swayed to at least buy a cheaper, non-designer one at Walmart or something for the same campy appeal priced at $5-10. However, it seems this item has been so successfully erradicated by the public until now that not even the most firmly stuck-in-the-80s small towners will buy them. It’s one of the few accessories marketed exclusively to ironic hipsters/Gucci enthusiasts who are hard-pressed to find something they don’t already own 3 of.

BETTER OPTION:

A purse, like a normal person. Also, people would take you no less seriously in a tool belt.

3. SHOULDER PADS

I like 80s power dressing in theory. In hopes that this symbol of feminism could be both powerful and pretty, I was open to the idea of what is now euphemistically being called the “strong shoulder.” But then I found myself in a dressing room with it. Then I felt so glad to be alone in that dressing room.

Aside from the original purpose of helping women to man up for the board room (outside the office, though, I contend that women wield plenty of power in a miniskirt). The argument is that broadening your shoulders will make your hips look smaller. This is like trying to gain weight to make a big nose look smaller. Also, the inverted triangle shape is definitively male.

BETTER OPTION:

Buy a vintage jacket or top that’s authentically 80s, and simply cut the shoulder pads out (most are attached somewhat loosely by the corners and won’t necessitate re-doing the seams). You’ll be left with a cut that highlights your shoulders without causing you to be mistaken for a football player.

STUFF I’M ACTUALLY DOWN WITH:

1. Overalls: A natural extension from rompers. Do it right and they’re cute. Promise.

2.Gladiator sandals: One of those things that I had an immediate aversion to when they exploded a few years ago (Jenny Lewis agrees, so there!), but have just gotten so used to seeing them that I’ve started to want a pair.

3. Denim leggings: Although legging rules still apply, don’t you think?

But really: Who’s to say what’s wrong and what’s right?

Hopefully me.

Graphic Graphic Tees

Some things are more funny than they are awkward. Like watching a softcore porno with a strained plot line in the company of a coed group of 5 or more people.

Other things are more awkward than funny, like this shirt for the commonly wild 20-something:

Doe Wasted Day Raglan, $14.99

Wearing a top that says “IF YOU’RE NOT WASTED THE DAY IS” doesn’t make you the life of the party. It makes you an alcoholic.

Young guns, please respect your maybe bright future, or at least the rules of punctuation. There should be a comma in there.

Urban Outfitters has a few more funny tees that are on sale for a reason:

Truly Madly Deeply “Rebound” Scoop Tee, $14.99

Had a nasty breakup and finally ready to wear something other than a bathrobe? Throw this tee on for a party (preferably one where your ex will be in attendance) to publicly expedite the angry-sad mistaken hook-up process. Accessorize with a bottle of Jack Daniels, personal anecdotes, and shame!

B!tch Is the New Black Tee, $14.99

Um…no. I could say I’m anti-bitch, but shouldn’t, considering how I would harshly judge the identity management of a girl wearing this. This would only be funny on a straight male…if he’s that into irony. It’s almost as unnecessary as a previous season’s “Broke is the new black” tee. Perfect for people who have an expendable $25 for the purpose of looking like they don’t have an expendable $25.

Also, for the record: black is the only black. Done.